MS profile

This is what I wrote in my profile at MS Connection. I like how it turned out.

Having a diagnosis of MS is one of the best things that has happened to me. Seriously. I would not be the person I am without it—and I like this person better than the manic, multi-tasking, fast-moving dilettante I was before.

Dilettante? I am voraciously curious, and even though I have slowed down, I still struggle with too many interests, too many books, too many things I want to do.

But back to the benefits of MS. Some examples:

  • I get to park for free, all day, in metered spaces in Portland
  • Priority boarding on airplanes. Yay!
  • Being on disability frees me to pursue my passions, like writing, although truthfully, fatigue limits my ability to explore
  • I get to brighten peoples’ day. Opening a door for me or reaching down an item from a grocery shelf validates a person. They feel good about themselves.
  • Walking slowly gives me plenty of time to notice the details of my surrounding. I live in the moment, in continual gratitude for the beauty of life.
  • My diagnosis of PPMS has so far meant I have leg weakness and gait issues. But my thinking is clear and I have great strength in my hands and arms.
  • The biggest benefit: I’ve become a better person. More tolerant, a better listener, more giving, more caring.

Before my diagnosis, I moved too fast, tried to do too much, and too often let important things like relationships slide. Now, I have a much clearer understanding of who I am and what I can offer in gratitude for my life. I have discovered the great secret—the more I give, the more comes back to me. My inner life is rich and my outer life prosperous.

Disability continues to progress, but every challenge has made me stronger.

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Coffeehouses

I just found an old draft I had never published. Maybe you have a favorite place not mentioned here.

The New York Time published a swell piece Dec. 3, 2010, about Laptopistan, the strange culture of the coffeehouse as office. The writer initially scoffs at the idea before realizing why people go to work on coffeehouse tables; it makes them focus, free of the distractions of web surfing and gaming.

I totally buy into that: you can get a lot of work done, focus in, drill down—if you hit the coffeehouse sweet spot.

Ah, the sweet spot! Premium coffeehouse gestalt. When it works, coffeehouse heaven. Work sings, juices flow, metaphors collide. When it doesn’t, well, coffeehouse hell.

One recent week,  I really, really needed a nice coffee shop with decent coffee, noninvasive music and some cozy semisolitude. What I got were icy drafts from leaky doors and windows, and loud Christmas music, including two renditions of “The Little Drummer Boy” (my least favorite holiday song) within 15 minutes.

I have a longstanding dream of opening a coffee house  on my terms: no music (want noise? start a conversation or bring your iPod), kindly baristas, table service, good food (cupcakes and healthier offerings), plenty of electrical outlets, warm in the winter, not too chilly in summer…a place for anyone who wants to get some work done.

Nice dream, bad business model.

Some recent detours into the dark side of Laptopistan (not mentioning negative names, but you know which ones they are):

  • Bad coffee: bitter, over-brewed
  • Bad lattes (you have to start with decent coffee). For years I thought I didn’t like lattes because I had such a bad one at a Starbucks. But there’s been a sea change; now one can get a decent latte at Starbucks. And the stores are usually good places to work, if crowded. Anti-Starbucks snobs: get over it.
  • Invasive music (everywhere!)
  • Uncomfortable and/or cramped seating, small tables, no place to spread out papers
  • Uninteresting food: please, more than bagels and muffins
  • Unpleasant or uncaring staff: It took several visits, but a couple of  establishments on Hawthorne that serve decent coffee finally frosted me out.
  • Accessibility issues (stairs). I try to be accommodating. I can lift the walker up a few steps or carry the laptop in a backpack while using canes. The scooter, however, has to stay outside.

Here are some Eastside places I like.

  • Red & Black on SE 11th: Kombucha on tap, dragon noodles, sometimes vegan cupcakes…nearly always a good place to work.
  • Marino’s on Division: Wonderful people, including the owner, Dario, and assorted musicians who wander in, play a few pieces, have a cuppa and drift away. The food  s good and varied. Cappuccinos are actually breves—as advertised, the best in town.
  • Floyd’s on Morrison: If you can get a good seat on a quiet day, a great place to write.
  • Seven Virtues on NE Glisan: Stark white wood like Floyd’s adds to a similarly chilly atmosphere, but great for a long haul of working. Try the soup.
  • TaborSpace on Belmont: A church’s huge common room with stained glass, big tables, lots of outlets, and the bakery goods are refreshingly small—no horrid megamuffins. It’s a true neighborhood gathering place, so sometimes the conversations or kids’ loud play can be distracting.
  • Bipartisan Cafe on Morrison: Too crowded most days, but they have pie!
  • Utopia on Stark: Quiet, pleasant, limited menu, I can scooter there.
  • Bare Bones on Belmont: good food, great happy hour, big old step plus a screen door, but I  can make it. Scooter stays outside.
  • And Starbucks, now that they have free wifi and Pike Place blend. Great bathrooms! I miss the one at SE 20th and Hawthorne, one of those closed when the chain retrenched a few years ago. The best thing about the one in the new Safeway at 27th and Hawthorne is that you can buy food from elsewhere in the store, and you can’t tip the baristas even if you want to, because they  work for Safeway, not Starbucks.

Working at home, especially in the morning before Bob is up and about, can be efficient, cheaper—certainly quieter. But sometimes, I just want a cup of someone else’s cappuccino—and maybe a tiny goodie, like a single Starbucks miniscone.

Time for a trip to Laptopistan.

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Who’s famous?

I came across Famous People with Multiple Sclerosis somehow (who can remember how one comes upon these places?). I’m not sure if it’s a validation of my cluelessness about celebrity, but most of the “famous” seem pretty obscure.

Here’s a chunk of the “D” names:

  • Bruno Tassan Din – Italian publisher
  • Wayne Dobson – magician
  • Deborah Downey – Cabaret Performer
  • Khiawatha Downey – American Footballer
  • Jacqueline du Pre – cellist

OK, I know the last one. I saw her play at Berkeley in 1970, in the last year of her career. Who are those others?

A few names on the list were a surprise: Terri Garr, Lena Horne, Joan Didion.

And then there was St. Lydwina or Lidwina of Schieden (1380-1433), a Dutchwoman who is patron of ice skaters. She fell and was disabled while skating at age 15, but with prayer, she recovered. The rest of her life, she would have periods of paralysis that miraculously lifted, again with prayer. To modern ears, that sounds a lot like relapsing-remitting MS.

I learned about St. Lydwina in a speech at an MS Society meeting by a visiting neurologist. I’d give you a link to more info about her, but aside from Wikipedia, which may not be accurate, and the Catholic Encyclopedia, for whom it’s all miracles all the time, the sites all seem to be in Dutch.

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Whipped cream experiment

Here’s an exercise in patience: try whipping cream by hand using your nondominant hand.

I’d like to say that I have done that, but frankly, I am too impatient. The best I can do is to trade off to my left hand (I’m right-handed) for a dozen strokes or so at a time.

It pains me to be that impatient, but when I am whipping cream, I am dealing with an immediate need. I want to indulge in that cream right away. I are not making whipped cream for some other, later event.

That is the power of immediate gratification. Even a saint might find it hard to whip cream with his nondominate hand.

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Breathtaking cupidity

The big news in MS treatment is Gilenya, a disease-modifying drug that is taken by mouth instead of injected or infused. It’s  supposed to be more about 50 percent more effective at slowing the progress of the disease.

Plus, it may be effective for treating my primary progressive MS (PPMS), for which there is no current treatment.

It costs $48,000 a year, about a third more than the other disease-modifying drugs, which are injected or infused.

The breathtaking thing is: Fingolimod (FTY720), the active component in Gilenya, can be had wholesale (for research purposes) at $42 for 50 mg. The daily dosage of Gilenya, the brand name for fingolimod, is 0.5 mg. That’s 42 cents for a dose of fingolimod. The cost of a dose of Gilenya is $133.

Fingolimod is cheap because it’s derived from a fungus, Iscaria sinclarii, that’s been used for centuries in Chinese medicine. No bioengineering involved. I haven’t found a description of how it’s actually made, but it’s probably as easy as extracting salicylic acid from willow bark to make aspirin.

More effort and expense go into manufacturing drugs like Avonex and Betaseron, which are beta interferon, made with recombinant DNA technology involving the harvesting of rodent organs. Tysabri (natalizumab) is a monoclonal antibody. Copaxone (glatiramer acetate) is a combination of four synthetically made amino acids.

And then there’s Gilenya. $48,000  a year for a drug that costs maybe $1,500 to manufacture.

Nobody seems to care about the cost issue. Drug price control is a nonstarter with Congress. Most MS patients have health insurance, and to keep them happy, Novartis, the maker of Gilenya, is committed to picking up the cost of copay to the tune of $800 a month for patients using the drug. That would cover the common copay of 20 percent of the $4,000 monthly cost of the drug. So for the consumer, the drug costs next to nothing.

That’s breathtaking cupidity with a side of business acumen. Quite the corporate model.

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Mac, DOS, and the Catholic Church

I’ve never plagiarized anything before, but I love this thought from www.umbertoeco.com:

[Y]ou did know – didn’t you? – that Eco was the guy behind that unforgettable Mac versus DOS metaphor. That in one of his weekly columns he first mused upon the “software schism” dividing users of Macintosh and DOS operating systems. Mac, he posited, is Catholic, with “sumptuous icons” and the promise of offering everybody the chance to reach the Kingdom of Heaven (“or at least the moment when your document is printed”) by following a series of easy steps. DOS, on the other hand, is Protestant: “it allows free interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions … and takes for granted that not all can reach salvation.” Following this logic, Windows becomes “an Anglican-style schism – big ceremonies in the cathedral, but with the possibility of going back secretly to DOS in order to modify just about anything you like.” (Asked to embellish the metaphor, Eco calls Windows 95 “pure unadulterated Catholicism. Already Windows 3.1 was more than Anglican – it was Anglo-Catholic, keeping a foot in both camps. But Windows 95 goes all the way: six Hail Marys and how about a little something for the Mother Church in Seattle.”)

–Lee Marshall

It’s a bit dated, but still funny.

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Perfect rock

Possession is nothing; memory is everything.

As I was preparing to move into a new apartment (in the same building) a few years ago, I came upon a perfect rock. I was out walking and the rock was sitting on a brick wall, waiting for me. Just a river rock, one of the rounded pieces of basalt that are used for landscaping around the courtyard of the small complex.

But this one was special because its proportions were so even. It was an egglike ovoid, smooth and seemingly perfect. It did not bulge, nor were there dips or pits in its smooth surface. I had a vision of figuring a way to measure it, to see if it was a perfect as I thought. That was a silly idea, but I picked up the rock and found that it was hard and warm in my hand, a perfect size. I loved that rock.

I  placed it on a windowsill in the kitchen where I could see it every day. Then I went back to packing in the apartment I was leaving.

The women who came to clean and paint the new apartment threw away everything that had been left behind. They found my rock on the windowsill and tossed it.

I mourn that rock. I think of it from time to time, not obsessively, but with a bit of sorrow. I’ve tried to explain this loss to others. “For God’s sake, Mom,” one daughter said bracingly, “It’s just a rock.”

But I lost more than a thing. I lost my glimpse of perfection. I can’t explain it. I see perfection every day, in the cast of light on a tomato in the kitchen, in the clearness of a cat’s eye, in the deep scarlet-streaked ivory throat of the  rhododendron blossom I mistakenly thought was merely white, in the form of bare trees against the winter sky. Every day, I breathe the perfection of the universe.

The rock, how was it different? Its perfection was geometrical, mathematical, measurable,  substantial, enduring. It neither withered nor wore once it was removed from the river. Maybe it wasn’t perfect. I never had the chance to really examine it in an exacting way. Maybe the possibility of its perfection is better as a memory.

Possession is nothing. Memory is everything. But loss—loss is also real.

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I am the chalice (poem)

I am the chalice

I am the grail

Full to the brim with the word

The sweet wine of words

The killing poison of words

The sword

The staff

The lion

The lamb

All  of it

Redeemed

(8/30/10)


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So long, Mall 205

I’ve always been ambivalent about malls, and now they are dying. A good thing.

Today I stopped by Mall 205 because I was in the neighborhood having lunch with a group of old ladies from my church. I thought I’d see if Bath Bed and Beyond (or is it Bed Bath and Beyond?) might have a dishpan.

The young woman who greeted me was stumped at this request. She didn’t know what a dishpan is. I felt very old. Maybe the young only know from dishwashers?

I pushed my walker around to the back of the store as directed, where there “maybe” was a something like what I was trying to describe. There another young woman told me nope, they didn’t carry dishpans. Why didn’t I just use the sink?

I felt even older.

She suggested Fred Meyer (which only sells cheap Sterlite dishpans. I want a sturdy Rubbermaid.) Ditto Target.

But back to the mall. What little there is left of it. A jewelry store, a Cricket outlet … and many, many empty store spaces. The spooky feel was appropriately Halloween.

Oh, and the management doesn’t care whether the place is even accessible. The automatic door button was out of order, and the nice young woman who held the door for me blithely pointed out that the button hardly ever works.

Outside, the air was fresh, a little late October sunshine. I took a deep breath and felt a lot younger.

So long, Mall 205. RIP.

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Recent writing

I can’t seem to get moving with “real” writing: the several fiction and nonfiction projects I am pursuing as books, but I have done some minor work. (There is an embedded link for each item, but they don’t appear unless you mouseover. Sorry about that.)

  • For Suite 101, articles on the new MS therapy, fingolimod, which may be useful in treating primary progressive MS, and on Oregon cranberries, which really are more flavorful than other varieties.
  • Several reviews for Video Librarian. Search for “Gardner” here. Everything from January 2010 onward is mine.
  • The occasional book review for New Connexion. I’m not particularly proud of these minireviews, but I like the free books. Just the latest one seems to be available.
  • Finally, I just noticed that Journey magazine lists me as a contributing editor. Quite a fancy title for a fact checker.
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